


Dizzy

by angelofthelord



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Heaven, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-30
Updated: 2012-10-30
Packaged: 2017-11-17 08:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthelord/pseuds/angelofthelord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's looked down on Dean in Heaven since he was a child. He never could have imagined the connection they would end up having.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dizzy

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is the second fic to my Pre-NaNoWriMo/OMFG IT'S CANON MISHA SAID SO IT'S CANON/No School Thanks Sandy Destiel fic marathon (the first wouldn't let me put notes on for some reason). There are at least three more of these shitty things coming, to take place of what will be my hiatus because of NaNo.  
> Inspiration for a lot of this was taken from the song Dizzy by the Goo Goo Dolls, hence the title.   
> So yes. Please read, please enjoy, please kudos.
> 
> Much Gay, Angel/Hunter Love,  
> Tara

That boy had never been innocent. From the early toddler years when he would beg his mother for unnecessary things just to be able to spend more time with her than his dad, to when he was eight and he stole Sam's new pack of crayons and never gave them back, to when, in his teenage years, he lied to at least ten girls and told them he was a virgin and that he respected them. 

Dean Winchester was the least innocent man that Castiel had ever watched before, and he'd seen many men before him. He'd watched presidents and queens and prophets and just regular peasants and little girls who would die young and then their grieving parents after. Castiel and a few other angels would meet up every day for the past few hundred years, looking over the edge of Heaven and watching the humans. Those beautiful creations that thought for themselves. Humans, those who could build themselves up so high and destroy themselves at the same time. They amazed and perplexed Castiel in so many ways.

That was when Dean Winchester came along. He was drawn to him from the very start, watching his birth, John and Mary cradling their firstborn with bright smiles on their faces, full of hope and admiration for their beautiful boy. Then Castiel watched Sam's birth, a four year old Dean staring at amazement at his little brother. He'd loved him so much, and even though in the few years to come before disaster struck he'd tease him and steal things from him and fight with him over Mary's attention. 

That fateful night Castiel watched in horror, fighting with the other angels to intervene in any way possible. That had been when Uriel appeared, holding him back with his huge wings. He whispered into Castiel's ear, their faces less than an inch apart, that this was supposed to happen and interrupting would cause him to fall. He had to be obedient. This caused him to miss seeing Dean cradle his baby brother and run him outside, John stumbling behind them. 

He saw visits to Missouri and visits to pastors and visits to Bobby's. He saw the boys move around, the Impala their home and their father fighting for Mary's justice in any way possible. He saw Dean's first day of school, Sam's first day of school, girlfriends and secret boyfriends and unfathomable crushes. Then came Dean's last day of school, where Dean used his slogan “a GED and a give 'em hell attitude” for the first time while driving in his new car, his baby, his Impala, with Sam at his side.

Then the fight between Sam and Dean, Sam slamming the door on John and Dean, then Dean sneaking away to his empty hotel room and crying his eyes out. That was the first time he'd done that- seriously cried, put his soul into the tears that fell out of his eyes. Castiel hurt along with him and kept a protecting eye on Sam for him. 

Then he saw killings, so many killings, of anything evil. No questions were asked nor answered. Vampires, demons, werewolves- anything. Jess was killed then too. Dean grabbed his baby brother up again and sought to avenge his brother's girlfriend's death. He fought for Sam, and he cared for him, and he begged him to stay.

They looked for John everywhere. Worry crawled through Dean's body with every waking hour. Life without his father was hell. Castiel looked down wearily as John was found, then killed. He could feel Dean's pain then, for the first time. Something told him it wouldn't be the last.

There were so many cascading events then, and the night when Sam was killed, Castiel saw a faint glimmer of where this was headed. He told himself no, that it wasn't possible, but in due time Dean was sent to hell in place of his brother. Castiel didn't watch the humans for a while after that.

Then one of his elders came to him, told him that he had been assigned to save Dean. Dean was the vessel, the sword. As much as Castiel didn't want to see what was happening happen, he flew through hell. He felt the wires and the flames sting him and he fought against the demons and tortured souls with an unmatched fury. 

Months later, he found him. The man that he had watched, the man with the already hellish life. He flew toward him at an unfathomable speed and grabbed him by the arm, looking into his pained green eyes. With the touch of his hand he felt. His senses lit up and tinier wings, nothing like his, fluttered in his abdomen. He pulled faster and faster until Dean was in his grave yet again. Castiel closed his eyes and silently hoped they'd meet again, somehow, someway.

Meet again they did. Dean fought so hard against being the sword, and Castiel soon found himself fighting with him, too. He cared about this man more than he had cared about any man before. He could touch him, feel him, lay his head on him. He talked to him too, about all of the things he loved and hated and cared for and wished for. Castiel never revealed that he had watched Dean for so long, that he knew all of his secrets and thoughts and terrors. 

Castiel knew he was in love with Dean the first time they'd kissed. Dean had given him his signature “last night on earth” speech, taken him to a strip bar (which had been an utter disaster), and then ended up drinking two bottles of whiskey with Castiel in the back of the Impala. It felt as if it were all coming to an end, a close, and Castiel knew that this attraction towards Dean's body also reached out and into the man's soul. The radio played a softer rock song that Castiel didn't know and Dean had grown quiet. Castiel just reached over to him, touched his arm, and pulled him inward. Their lips brushed and every one of Castiel's vessel's nerve endings were on fire. He loved this man, this boy, this hero.

And so they continued their adventure. Castiel saved Sam and found himself corrupt. With the flood of feelings that came onto him with each day, he and Dean began sharing more intimate pleasures together, dancing around Sam to keep it a secret. They did it in the back of the Impala, in empty hotel rooms, on picnic blankets in the woods, even on a beach once. Castiel caressed the man he had watched for so long, laughing at his jokes and sarcasm and attitude. God, he cared about Dean. He cared about him a bit too much.

Then he changed. Something snapped, because, along with those feelings of love that rushed onto him, came feelings of hatred and the want for revenge and even naivety. Crowley promised peace in Heaven and Castiel felt that he could put everything right. He and Dean could be together and Heaven could be together and it would all be okay for once. But, as Dean had described it years afterward, he fucked it... big time.

Then he was God and evil all at the same time and he broke Dean in two. He tried to repent, to get Dean to forgive him, so hard. In time, he did, but Castiel then found that he couldn't forgive himself, no matter how hard Dean begged him to.

He was in purgatory with him, but he ran. Looking into Dean's eyes just brought back memories Castiel couldn't cope with anymore. Every night he used his connection with Dean he'd had since he dragged him out of hell to hear his prayers. He heard whimpers and cries and agony but all he could do was stay in place. He had to protect him, not only from the Leviathan that roamed the dark forest, but from himself, too. He couldn't face Dean again. Not with everything he'd done. 

So it was what it was. Dean had started out the never-innocent one, the one full of self-loathing and hatred and need, but now Castiel found himself in that spot. He had only one hope- that he had filled that emptiness Dean had and that he didn't feel those things anymore. There had been only one thing he wanted from the start, the one thing that had propelled him to do everything he'd done, and that was to see Dean smile more.

The thing was, he didn't get to see Dean's smile the day he hugged him.


End file.
